


Nobody Said It was Easy

by Erwin_Smith



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Erwin Week 2018, Erwin Week Day 5: Era, M/M, Mutual Pinning, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, erunai, erunile - Freeform, manga spoilers up to chapter 85, naieru, pinning, season 3 anime spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-07-25 03:04:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16188737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erwin_Smith/pseuds/Erwin_Smith
Summary: He’d never forget Nile and the way his lips felt on his. The boy whom he thought was cute five years ago. The boy who held him two days ago after his relationship with Marie came to a sad end. The boy whom he let slip away. The boy whom he’d never forget for as long as he lived.





	Nobody Said It was Easy

**Author's Note:**

> Whelp I'm late again. And I had so much of this story written. It sucks that I wasn't on time. :((((((((((  
> But anyway this was originally written for Erwin Week Day 5: Era.
> 
> Headcanon I've used for this: until Shiganshina was attacked the Cadets stayed in training for 5 years instead of 3. And Erwin's mother dying giving birth to him.
> 
> I made kidwin so young in this at first hOLy shit.
> 
> Also changed up some canon scenes to better fit for this fic. ALSO I tried to edit this as best as I could, but I'm tiiiired.

“Tell me you love me.”

It started when they were Cadets. They were just little kids who supposedly didn’t understand  _ that _ kind of love or what it really meant. Some of the older teenagers in their Cadet class knew what it meant. They told the younger ones how their parents would kiss or their older sibling and their partner, and say how they loved one another. The pairs would be happy and cuddly sometimes. The teens didn’t say much more because some acted like the younger Cadets didn’t know anything.

It was a bit different for Erwin and Nile. Nile had parents that would say ‘I love you’ to one another. Sometimes they said it to him, too. It confused Nile at first after he talked to the teenagers, but he figured out the difference quickly. He was thirteen so he wasn’t that dumb and babyish like the older kids thought.

Erwin, on the other hand, only had one parent growing up. His mother died giving birth to him, his father told him. He was an orphan now. His father was killed by the Military Police. That was why Erwin was entering the military. At ten years old he didn’t have anywhere else to go. No other family. He didn’t want to go to an orphanage. Most importantly he wanted to discover if his father’s dreams were true.

Sneaking into the Cadet Corps wasn’t that much of a challenge for a ten year old. All he had to do was tell the adults was that he was twelve years old. It was a piece of cake. He was turning eleven soon anyway. Eleven was almost twelve. Not that big of a difference the two ages were. Besides he made a few close friends like Mike and Nile. Sometimes a cute girl named Nanaba hung out with them, but she usually stuck with Mike after making up some kind of spit handshake. Nanaba was twelve and Mike and Nile was thirteen.

“Erwin.” A small pebble struck his forehead and he put his boot down. The concentrated look that was plastered on his face disappeared. “Tell me you love me.”

Erwin raised an eyebrow at Nile. “Why?” he asked. He was puzzled why Nile mentioned that. Twice yet. It was so forward and unexpected of him.

“Because Mike told me you thought I was cute.”

Erwin looked down. His face felt like an oven. It wasn’t a lie, though, but he wished Mike would have kept his mouth shut. Sure he thought Nile was cute. He thought Mike was cute. He thought Nanaba and some of the other girls were cute too. But Nile, though. He was different. He wasn’t like Mike or Nanaba or the other girls. Nile was something else. He usually smelled so good. Even when he was all sweaty from a hard day’s training. He had a nice smile and his raven hair was always so soft and shiny. He had a bad attitude sometimes, but Erwin always brushed it off. Sometimes it was funny. Erwin didn’t mind the teasing Nile gave him about his nose or eyebrows especially. Erwin teased him sometimes too. Despite the teasing Nile was really kind.

“Mike told you that?” Erwin mumbled. He sighed and rubbed a hand through the grass beside him. “It’s true, but...I don’t understand that adult stuff.” He shrugged. “I’m sorry. I hope we can still be friends.”

“Yeah. Of course,” Nile replied and sat down in the grass beside him. He tried to hide the disappointment in his voice. Out of the corner of his eye he watched as Erwin reached for his canteen and placed it in his lap.

“Drink up. You looked like you were going to pass out during our running exercises,” Erwin pointed out. He slipped his boot back on and hugged his legs to his chest, resting his cheek against his knee while he watched Nile take a long drink from his canteen. When Nile was finished he tipped it upside down. A couple drops dripped out. He smiled sheepishly.

“Sorry. I was thirsty,” Nile admitted, rubbing the back of his head. Erwin chuckled and snatched the canteen out of his hands and put it on the grass.

“I can get more water later. It’s no big deal.” Erwin shrugged.

Nile picked at blades of grass near Erwin. “So your birthday is coming up soon. Excited to be eleven?”

Erwin frowned. “Not so loud, huh?”

“What?! There’s nobody around. Nobody’s gonna hear me,” Nile pointed out and stuck his tongue out at Erwin.

“I don’t think it will be much different than being a ten year old.”

“Yeah, but it’s getting closer to being a teenager, too.”

Erwin shrugged. It was going to be his first birthday without his father. That was something that was going to take getting used to. Nile remembered one night when Erwin broke down in front of him about his father’s death. How Erwin practically threw himself into his arms that night. The first time Erwin brought up his father’s death was around him and Mike. He didn’t cry then, but both boys could tell how it was affecting Erwin. The depressed look that formed on his face said enough.

Nile wondered if Erwin ever thought about that night at all. Sometimes Nile wondered what Erwin thought of him. He was such an intelligent boy, that Erwin was. He was always so deep in thought about stuff.

Nile tilted his head back and sighed, tilting his head back to watch the overcast clouds cross through the sky. Maybe Nile just didn’t know what he was talking about. Maybe Nile just loved the idea of Erwin. Maybe Nile was too young to understand anything more.

~*~*~*~

Erwin’s eleventh birthday came quickly. His friends spent as much time as they could with him. They couldn’t really afford to get Erwin anything, but that didn’t matter to him. He was glad he had them to spend his birthday with. Mike and Nanaba swiped some cookies for him from the kitchen. Nile, on the other hand, gave Erwin a little shiny gold circular pin. It wasn’t much, but it was all he had to offer.

Erwin’s eyes lit up when Nile dropped it into his waiting hand. Despite its small size, it had a nice weight to it. “Thank you, Nile!” he beamed and hugged the boy. Nile didn’t expect it and stiffened abruptly, but hugged back.

“You’re welcome, Eyebrows.” Nile smirked. “I’ve had that pin for as long as I can remember. I hope you enjoy it, kid.”

Erwin pulled back and nodded. “Of course.” He flashed him another smile and slipped the pin into the pocket of his white uniform pants so it wouldn’t get lost. He patted it from beneath the fabric. “For safekeeping, so it doesn’t get lost somewhere.”

Nile wanted to say one more thing to him, but Mike and Nanaba were right there. They didn’t know how Nile felt about him. Erwin never told them about Nile’s love either, but he didn’t know that. All Nile could do was keep it to himself.

~*~*~*~

Graduation was two days away. Their time as Cadets was coming to an end and fifteen year old Erwin had a girlfriend much to Nile’s dismay. Her name was Marie and she was absolutely beautiful. She worked in a bar that the boys visited frequently. Mike pointed her out and elbowed Erwin and Nile in the ribs a few times to get their attention. Erwin and Nile practically drooled over her. She had long, beautiful dark brown hair that went to the middle of her back. She was about average height and had a wonderful body.

She was always the most flirty with Erwin and he didn’t let the opportunity slip by when she wanted to know him more. So every night after that he went back to the bar when he was free from training and chatted with her until it was time to shut up for the night. Then he snuck back into the Cadet barracks with the help of Nile and Mike keeping watch.

One of the nights Erwin got back and after he was settled in bed, he felt Nile’s foot push up against his mattress on the top bunk. “Hey, Eyebrows. You awake?” Nile whispered loud enough for the other boy to hear.

“Yeah,” came Erwin’s response. He heard snuffling underneath him, then saw Nile as he climbed up the ladder and made his way onto Erwin’s bed.

“Have a nice time?” Nile asked, leaning his shoulder against the wall.

“Yes. I always do,” Erwin replied and smiled through the darkness at him. Marie was absolutely amazing to him.

“Eyebrows’s in love. Who woulda thought?” Nile chuckled softly and smiled as well, but it was a falter. He was glad Erwin couldn’t quite see it. Erwin had someone else who wasn’t Nile. Nile’d been chasing him for five years. He certainly wasn’t going to stop thinking about him now, that stubborn Nile Dok.

When the next night came around Nile held Erwin in his arms up in the loft in the stables after he returned from seeing Marie for the final time. He held Erwin tightly after he told him that things ended between him and Marie. Marie wanted a family. She wanted someone who wasn’t going to die off on her. Erwin wasn’t able to do that for her. He was joining the Survey Corps. He was going to prove his father’s theories were right. He was going to work toward eliminating the titans and liberating humanity from being trapped behind the Walls. He’d never have time for a family. So it was best that they part ways. It was easier that way after all.

Nile ran his finger through Erwin’s hair. It had been a while since he saw Erwin that vulnerable, that empty inside. It broke his heart to see him that way. Nile felt so powerless. He didn’t know what to do.

After a while, Erwin pulled back and smoothed down his shirt where it was ruffled. The moon was shining through the little window in the loft. It reflected off of Erwin’s creamy skin, giving it an angelic hue. Erwin was the most handsome young man Nile ever saw. When he reached for Erwin’s hands he didn’t pull away.

“It wouldn’t be too late you know,” Nile whispered. It was now or never.  _ Tell me you love me _ , he thought.

“You’ll be leaving, too. I...I can’t, Nile.” Erwin squeezed back. Nile’s dark eyes were almost pleading, though. “You’re joining the MPs. You deserve to have a family of your own. You deserve happiness. I can’t give you any of it.”

Nile took a deep breath. “Tell me you love me.” He moved a hand to cup Erwin’s cheek. Erwin’s head slightly tilted into it.

“I can’t.” Erwin closed his eyes for a few heartbeats and then pulled back. “I’m sorry, Nile. I can’t.”

Before Nile could stop him, could kiss him, could confess anything more, Erwin was down the ladder and sprinting out of the stables, leaving Nile alone with his thoughts, the moonlight, and the horses that were still awake in their stalls.

That night as Erwin laid in the top bunk sniffling on his side he wondered if lost Nile, too. He wondered if maybe deep down he  _ should _ have told Nile that he loved him. Because he always did find Nile interesting. Because he did care about Nile. Because maybe he really  _ did _ love him but was too consumed by proving theories right to realize it.

When graduation came around Cadets were saying farewell to fellow comrades that were off joining other branches. Some would be lucky to survive. Some wouldn’t be lucky at all. They all promised to keep in touch. For some, that promise may not be kept. It was hard to make promises when you were a soldier, especially.

Erwin and Mike were saying their goodbyes to Nile. Mike and Nile were mostly cracking jokes. Mike told Nile not to get a stick up his ass and act like all the rich prude people living in Wall Sina from being around them too much. Nile’s retort was to not sniff people so much and to not die on the first mission. Nile earned a playful sock to the shoulder before Mike ruffled his hair and went off to look for Nanaba, leaving Erwin and Nile alone.

Nile rubbed his boot against the ground. “Y’know if you ever change your mind you can transfer to the Military Police. You scored in the top ten.”

“I don’t see myself transferring, but thank you for the offer.” Erwin’s lips turned up the slightest. “If you ever change your mind about being in the Military Police you’re welcome to join the Survey Corps.”

“Not a chance, Smith. I don’t think I’d stand well against the titans. The Military Police is where I belong.”

They didn’t have long now. The carriages were arriving to take the graduates to each branch’s headquarters. Erwin looked down and licked his lips, then met Nile’s gaze for what was to be the last time in who knows when. “I should get going, Nile. Take care. Best of luck and best wishes to you.”

Nile nodded. “Same.” His voice was soft.

Erwin’s legs suddenly felt like tree trunks. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t move even when Nile grabbed his hand. Nile moved close. His face got close to Erwin’s until he felt Nile’s lips brush against his own. Erwin didn’t move back. He didn’t push him away. Instead, he closed his eyes when Nile closed the gap.

Kissing Nile sent heat and sparks throughout his body. His heart felt like it was going to jump right out of his chest. When the kiss broke Erwin was almost deprived. It was as if his ability to breathe was gone as he took in a sharp breath. Slowly he touched where Nile’s lips once were. The feeling was still there.

“I’d ask you to tell me you love me, but I already know the answer.”

Erwin’s sad smile said it all and he nodded. He glanced back at the group that was preparing to leave for the Survey Corps. “I...should get going now.”

“Me too. I won’t forget you, Erwin Smith.”

“I won’t forget you either,” Erwin replied. Then Nile waved farewell and turned on his heels and wandered off to where he needed to go, leaving Erwin to watch. He’d never forget Nile and the way his lips felt on his. The boy whom he thought was cute five years ago. The boy who held him two days ago after his relationship with Marie came to a sad end. The boy whom he let slip away. The boy whom he’d never forget for as long as he lived.

~*~*~*~

Erwin was a soldier in the Survey Corps for almost a year. He and Nile exchanged letters about once a month. They told one another about each other's branches. Who the Commander was, what was going on, what life was like, and so on.

But then one letter came one day and Erwin’s eyes couldn’t leave one sentence in particular:  _ I’ve fallen for Marie. _

Nile mentioned that he started talking to her not long after he joined the Military Police. His headquarters wasn’t too far from where their trainee headquarters was. He went back and visited that bar.

Erwin’s heart clenched. Nile deserved to be happy, though. He told Nile so the day they graduated. Erwin had his chance to say that he loved him back, but he never voiced it. He let Nile go with each of his requests to tell him that he loved him. Erwin realized that he cared about Nile much more than he should when it was too late.

Their life goals were too different. They’d never get to see one another very often. The longing would be strong. The longing was already strong. Erwin missed the feeling of Nile’s lips on his—the one time their lips were pressed together. Whenever Erwin tried to go to sleep or rise from bed in the morning his thoughts would drift off to that day.

With a sigh, Erwin neatly folded the letter and stuck it in a little wooden box. He looked to his own letter he was writing back in a reply. He closed the letter out with a brief offer.  _ If you need any advice I’ll gladly help. _ He got the letter ready to send out in the morning.

Erwin would learn to live with the longing.

~*~*~*~

Five years later Erwin was a rising star in the Survey Corps. At age twenty he was already promoted to a Squad Leader. He was the youngest person ever to be promoted a Squad Leader. He was overjoyed. He immediately wrote Nile a letter and shared the news. Mike also was promoted. He was practically a titan killing machine. He was the strongest soldier in the whole Survey Corps.

Nile’s letters started to slow down some. It only made him long for him more. Then one day Nile wrote that he and Marie were engaged. They were to be wed the next summer. Erwin couldn’t believe it. It felt like the oxygen was stripped right from his lungs. Like the wind was knocked out of him.  _ I’m so selfish _ , he thought, cradling his head in his hand.  _ I  _ am  _ happy for him, but...but… _ Erwin shook his head. He did offer to help Nile with advice to get on a date with her after all. It was the best for Erwin and Nile both. They would have never had a chance to be together. To be happy.

On a blank document Erwin wrote his support to the engaged couple. He wished them happiness and a bright future and a great time planning the wedding. That was always the hardest part. Deciding where to marry, picking the attire, the food, everything. He wondered how fancy they were going to make it. Erwin knew Nile was more than likely making twice or three times as more money than what he was making. To Erwin’s understanding, Nile was already a high ranking officer.

Erwin laid down the feather quill and ran a hand through his hair. It was getting late. He spent most of the day either training or tending to Squad Leader duties and paperwork until Nile’s letter arrived. The piece of paper seemed as if it was going to burn a hole through his desk the longer it sat there unresponded to and not read over a handful of times. He stuck his response into an envelope and sealed it shut with the special seal he was given.

Erwin blew out all of the lanterns and went around to his bed. He put the letter on the nightstand so it was handy for the next morning. His clothes were discarded in a messy heap on the floor and he crawled under the waiting covers and sighed. He was deep in thought for a good half hour. Nile wouldn’t leave his thoughts.  _ Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why can I not just let go? _

Erwin was restless that night, but it wasn’t the first time. If he could just see Nile one more time maybe he’d be able to get over him. That was not until the wedding, though. Erwin had to wait another year. That was if the longing didn’t swallow him up by then.

But he’d manage. He always did.

~*~*~*~

And that day did come the following year on an active summer day. The heat was absolutely atrocious and Erwin felt bad for all the sticky bodies that were out and about everywhere. He wondered how the weather was up in Sina. He wasn’t surprised Nile was getting married there. He was always dramatic like that.

Mike and Nanaba chattered away to one another for most of the carriage ride over there. Erwin stared out the little window deep in thought. He hadn’t seen Nile in six years. Six years ago when they shared the farewell kiss that never left Erwin’s mind. It seemed a lot longer than six years ago. Then again it was impossible for Erwin to forget and that hurt.

“What are you dreaming about? A wedding of your own?” Mike asked, sending Erwin back to reality. He was grinning.

“Just thinking about what I’ll say to Nile when I see him again. It’s been six years.”

“Shit, really? Six years? Seems like forever ago.” Mike itched in his shaggy hair. Nanaba playfully swatted at his hand.

Erwin nodded. Nanaba tried fixing Mike’s hair into a less messy state, shaking her head and muttering something under her breath.

Six years too long. Both men had their respective branches keeping them busy. Nile was in a relationship while Erwin was still pinning after him. Pinning after something that was never going to happen.

And when the trio finally arrived at Nile’s wedding in Stohess Erwin had butterflies in his stomach. When he walked through the doorway to the church and finally saw Nile in the distance talking to a small group of people, he couldn’t look away. Even while Nile’s gaze met his. Time seemed almost nonexistent. It was like everything suddenly came to a halt.

Then Nile was walking toward him. Erwin was frozen in place. Mike and Nanaba were already somewhere else. It was just Erwin and Nile. Marie was talking to what looked like Nile’s parents. The three were laughing and looked like they were having a good time with one another's company.

“You came.”

“Would never miss it,” Erwin replied, eyes flicking over Nile’s appearance. He had a little bit more facial hair than what he had as a teenager. It wasn’t super impressive, but he thought Nile looked quite attractive with it. The black suit he was wearing was nice. No doubt on the expensive side as well. Erwin felt warmth blossom on his face.

“It’s great to see you again,” Nile said. “It’s been so long.”

“Yeah.” The last time they saw one another they spent the final moments with their lips locked. “Con...congratulations, Nile. I’m happy for you.” And truthfully Erwin was. Even if he wasn’t the one that Nile was marrying. That opportunity slipped right through his fingers. Erwin felt a lump in his throat.

“Thank you.” Nile rubbed the back of his head, licking his lips. “It means a lot, Erwin.”

The two were silent for several awkward moments, gazing at one another for what seemed like hours until Nile broke the silence with a clearing of his throat. “I should make my rounds with the rest of my guests. See what Mike’s been up to.”

“Yes, sounds like a good idea. I’ll see you around,” Erwin replied, not waiting for Nile to say anything more, and walked away. He needed a drink. He needed something to distract himself with.

Nile watched Erwin retreat and sighed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before wandering off.

“Erwin? Is that you?” Erwin was just grabbing a glass of wine and turned to the voice.

“Marie?”

Marie laughed and immediately gave him a hug. “Look at you! You haven’t changed a bit aside from those cheekbones. They look like they could cut glass!” She patted his back. “Nile told me how you’re a Squad Leader now. Congratulations! Nile’s been doing amazing in the Military Police Brigade as well.”

“Nile’s really cut out for what he’s doing. He’ll probably be Commander soon at this rate.” Erwin cracked a small smile.  _ Commander Nile Dok… _

“Wouldn’t that be something? He really enjoys what he does. All around Nile’s just amazing.”

“That’s good to hear.”  _ He was amazing when I knew him too. _

She chuckled and continued conversing with Erwin, though his mind was drifting in and out of the conversation. Not long and Nile was a married man.

When the time came for the ceremony to start Erwin’s heart cracked. He was unable to tear his eyes away when the newlyweds kissed no matter how much it stung.

The ride home was much worse. He knew he wasn’t going to see Nile for a while again if at all. When Mike and Nanaba asked what was wrong Erwin simply brushed them off and muttered about being tired and having a headache. The only thing that ached was his heart. It ached for Nile.

~*~*~*~

The letters stopped coming after the wedding. Erwin pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down one sentence on it. He sealed it inside an envelope and tucked it away into one of the desk drawers. One day he’d mail it. He tried to think that Nile was just too busy. He tried  _ not _ to think that Nile didn’t care about him anymore.

~*~*~*~

Erwin didn’t expect to see Nile—Commander Nile—again. He certainly didn’t expect to see him in the middle of Stohess pointing a gun at him with a squadron while Eren and the Female Titan battled it out in the streets.

“I ought to kill you right now!” Nile spat. A bold move considering Levi was there.  _ Then do it _ , Erwin thought.  _ Get it over with. _ Whatever was left of his heart long since shattered years ago anyway.

Erwin wasn’t afraid and Nile didn’t have the heart to kill him.

_ I hereby wash my hands of you. _ Nile’s words stung. They rattled his bones and pounded in his ears. He didn’t register the feeling of the cold metal handcuffs two of Nile’s men put on him.

But in the end Commander Erwin wasn’t arrested or killed, the Female Titan was caught, Stohess was nearly destroyed, and Erwin was confident Nile hated him.

~*~*~*~

A missing arm and a carriage ride with Nile on the way to the capital. Erwin’s head was screwed on tighter that time. His troubled thoughts stayed away. Instead he brought up Minister Nick’s death and Marie. Nile’s family… Erwin couldn’t recall Nile ever mentioning a family. Perhaps he’d skim through the letters when he returned back to the Survey Corps. After all whenever he read a letter from Nile his brain was full of longing for the man.

With so much going on he didn’t even have time to miss Nile or think about him as much.

~*~*~*~

Erwin was always wrong to think he’d get any letters from Nile. Nile visited him as he sat chained to the wall in his cold prison cell. The Survey Corps were blamed for murder. Erwin received punishment that covered his body in bruises and scuffs along with a swollen cheek and a black eye that was almost shut.

Erwin coughed and sniffled. His wrist ached from the metal pressing against it. He shifted slightly when he heard the sound of keys and the cell door sliding open.

“Erwin, I’m sure you’ve seen better days,” Nile said quietly. He left the door open and walked closer. Erwin plopped down and tilted his head back.  _ Whoever hurt you is going to pay. _

“Absolutely,” Erwin replied. “What are you doing here?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I came to see you.”

“Why? They’re gonna kill me anyway.”  _ They won’t. Pixis and I have everything planned, but… _ Plans didn’t always work the way one wanted it to. Why did Erwin say that? Maybe to get a rise out of Nile.

“They’re not going to kill you. I...I won’t let them.” Nile frowned and shook his head.

Erwin chuckled and closed his eyes. “Maybe things would be better off if I were dead.”

“What the hell? Don’t say that. Of course, things wouldn’t be better, you idiot,” Nile grumbled.

“Why would you care? You made it clear how you felt about me back in Stohess.”  _ I hereby wash my hands of you. _ Erwin’s breathing clenched at the memory.

“I’m sorry, Erwin. I never meant that. I never would have shot you either. Do you think I would have been able to live with myself if I was responsible for killing you?” Nile took a deep breath and wrung his hands. “I love you.”

_ I love you. _ Erwin’s eyes snapped open and he looked up at him, swollen eye and all. “No, Nile. You can’t love me. You shouldn’t have those feelings about me anymore.” Just like Erwin shouldn’t have held on to his own. “You have Marie. You have a family. It isn’t right.”

“Don’t make me feel any more guilty than I already am. She’s expecting our third child and...and I haven’t been able to forget about you.” Nile huffed and rubbed his forehead.

“Yet you couldn’t bother writing me letters?”

“I was busy, Erwin, and I thought I was over you. I love Marie and our wonderful children with all my heart, but there’s a piece of my heart that still loves you as well. I never really got over you and it’s been killing me a little each day.”

Erwin had to wonder if it was anything like he felt since their departure after the Cadet Corps.

“Tell me you love me.” Nile’s voice was barely a whisper.

“I can’t. It wouldn’t be right and you know that.”

The two men were silent. Silent just like the awkward bit at his wedding. Erwin swallowed a familiar lump that crept up in his throat.

“I should have never abandoned you. I should have joined the Corps and stayed by your side.”

“Don’t say that. You get to have your family. You get to be safe and live in luxury.”

“I lost you.”

“You got something much better. I’m nothing,” Erwin whispered.

“You’re being foolish.”

Erwin couldn’t breathe. He just shook his head. He was lightly shaking. Whether Nile noticed or not he didn’t say anything about it.

Nile reached his hand out, but slowly pulled it back. He sighed. “You’re what’s good in this world, Erwin. You’re hope. You’re brave and smart. You’re incredible. Don’t forget that.” He wiped at his eyes and departed, closing the cell and locking it in his wake.

When Erwin was sure Nile was gone he uttered the words that he never was able to say to him. He fed them to the lantern light that did a poor job at illuminating his cell. As expected no reply came. Just the sound of his silent sobs of regret.

~*~*~*~

The last time Erwin saw Nile was at Queen Historia Reiss’s coronation. He had no alone time with him, unfortunately. As Erwin was leaving a slip of paper was tucked into his hand. He slipped it up into the sleeve of his trench coat where it practically burned into his skin until he was able to look at it.

_ I visited you every day you were in the coma. I was scared I was going to lose you. _

~*~*~*~

Pain was a different kind of emotion, but one Erwin knew well. It was the feeling of heartbreak. It was the feeling of his arm getting bitten off by a titan. It was the times he fell off his horse. It was the time when the Beast Titan pelted boulders at his soldiers. When one finally struck him in his left abdomen.

And as he tumbled onto the ground, his horse crushing his legs as she too took a hit, and as he drifted toward unconsciousness, his last thought was of Nile Dok and he wasn't afraid.

~*~*~*~

The news traveled fast. Much too fast. It was chilling. It was devastating. It was something Nile never hoped to hear ever. He left immediately once he found out. Went to a bar and got piss drunk. Cried like a baby.

And so he found himself in front of Erwin for the first time well after it happened, but it wasn’t really Erwin. It would never be Erwin.

“I wish I could have saved you,” Nile said. His eyes were bloodshot. His face was drained of all of its color. “You deserved the world. It wasn’t time for you to go already. You had so much more to live for.”

Nile was starting to cry again. He wasn’t sure how many times he cried since hearing about Erwin’s death. The funeral was a nightmare.

“I’ll never forget our time as Cadets. I’ll never forget holding you in my arms. I’ll never forget the feeling of your lips on mine. I’m selfish, I know, but, but…” Nile shook his head. “I won’t forget you.”

Nile touched the breast pocket of his uniform shirt. The soft crinkling sound of a paper sounded. Levi gave it to him on the day of the funeral. Levi looked like a total wreck.

Nile traced the lettering of Erwin's name on the gravestone.

It was too late. Erwin was too late.

_ I love you, Nile. _

But it was too late.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think that it was ever mentioned where the MP headquarters was located so I'm going to go with Stohess.
> 
> The part with Erwin getting surrounded by the guns was an anime only scene. I decided to go with that one because it fit better in this. I don't remember it being in the manga.
> 
> \--
> 
> Please leave feedback!
> 
> Tumblr: [commander-erwin-smith](http://commander-erwin-smith.tumblr.com)


End file.
